I was thrilled to be pregnant with my third child. He was as answer to prayer. I was in my 30’s and had two sons, ages six and eight at home. Friends would exclaim, “Aren’t you excited?!” and ask if I had decorated the nursery yet. Truthfully, I was so busy taking care of my two children, I really hadn’t given it much thought. I began to feel so ashamed as I failed to display the excitement and enthusiasm expected of me as an expectant mother. Was I a terrible mother to my unborn son?

Then, one day at a routine OB/GYN appointment, my physician instructed me to return once a week as he was unable to find the baby’s heartbeat. I called my mother from my car, suddenly sobbing. I was so afraid I had bonded with my baby and now I was so very worried. My mother said, “Oh honey, of course you have bonded with your baby.”

Years later as that same son began school, friends would ask if it saddened me to see my baby starting school. I truly was not sad. I imagined the hours of peace, quiet, and freedom I would have as I drove to him to school the first day. It would be the best of both worlds as I looked forward to the children coming home from school. On the way home, I stopped at Wal-Mart to run a few errands. It was definitely easier to shop unencumbered. As I paused to use the restroom, I noticed a pair a chubby little boy legs with little boy underwear around the ankles in the stall next to me. Suddenly I started sobbing.

My middle son will graduate from high school this Saturday. His girlfriend asked if I am sad that he would be leaving home soon. I truthfully answered I am so very proud of the man that he’s become and that it was time for him to enjoy his independence. The other night at dinner he mentioned the caps and gowns are in and that he would be having his cap and gown portrait made. Once again I suddenly started sobbing.

I wonder if this is part of being a nurse, being able to tune out all the emotion and focus on the task at hand, only to be overwhelmed with emotion once we have a chance to breathe.